Marjorie Taylor Greene’s public persona is defined by what she hates.
immigrants. vegans Gun control. communism elite Joe Biden. globalism. crt. Science. abortion Democratic elections. the media George Soros. Anthem kneeling. Jimmy Kimmel. Education. vaccines. metal detectors. PBS. Good quality hair dye. And any theory that is not a deranged conspiracy.
It’s only a matter of time until she lashes out at gravity as a liberal hoax.
Fine. Whatever. I no longer have the energy to reason with the unreasonable. The kook-a-palooza wing of the Republican party is now headquartered on Mars. Reality has been choked out by bonkers fantasy.
If MAGA was a TGI Fridays, the specials would include “Obama’s Kenya Oreo Madness,” “California Crime Club” and “Loaded Potato Skins,” served with tangy Pelosi dipping sauce and a complimentary AR-15.
But forget MTG’s crazy conspiracies. Let’s instead focus on something else the Georgia congresswoman clearly hates: English.
This week, the previously unknown term “Peach Tree Dish” was trending on social media. This happened after MTG released yet another video to showcase yet another perfectly sane theory and her fitness for office.
“You have to accept the fact that the government totally wants to provide surveillance on every part of your life,” warned Greene, staring into the camera like a startedled chimp gazing into a mirror for the first time.
“They want to know when you are eating, they want to know if you are eating a cheeseburger, which is very bad, because Bill Gates wants you to eat his fake meat that grows in a peach tree dish.”
Ah yes. The famous peach tree dish. It’s like a Petri dish, only the outside of the glass is fuzzy. And you cultivate cultures atop a mottled pit in the center that’s the color of MTG’s lips after a Pinot bender.
Just to be clear, that would be Pinot Noir, not Pinochet.
Ms. Greene keeps treating our beautiful language like it’s a revolting fairy tale — or as she’d spell it, a ferry tail. She claims to be so much smarter than everyone else. But most of the illegal immigrants hoping to cross America’s southern border could absolutely destroy her in a Grade 3 English test.
Let them in and deport her to Merriam-Webster.
Traditional values should include homophones, which are MTG’s kryptonite. It’s almost as if she’s so obsessed with banning or burning books, she’s never actually read one. If she had, she’d know it’s “Petri dish,” not “peach tree dish.” If you ask her to “calculate pi,” she’d instinctively go to a bakery. Most of the letters she writes accidentally turn constituents into hoofed ruminants: “Deer Steve. Law-abiding gun owners are not cereal killers. We are sole mates and as my Ant Gertrude used to say: ‘You can’t berry the truth.’ All best wishes, Margorey.”
Enough already. I don’t care if MTG wants to make a fool of herself waxing patriotically about Q, a totally made-up character in the frothing hivemind of her fellow travellers. I don’t care if she believes Sept. 11 was a false flag or libs drink baby blood or the greatest planetary threat is “Jewish space lasers.” If she wants to embarrass herself on Facebook Live by yammering incoherently about how Bill Gates is harvesting fake cheeseburgers in a peach tree dish that also contain microchips to zap the eaters in the event of irregular bowel movements, I’m confused and fresh out of words to respond.
But I will never stop defending English against these far-right barbarians.
Earlier this year, MTG’s obsession with surveillance and the alleged treachery of Democrats prompted another verbal gaffe when she confused Hitler’s secret police with a chilled Spanish soup.
As she told a right-wing cable channel: “Not only do we have the DC jail, which is the DC gulag, but now we have Nancy Pelosi’s gazpacho police spying on members of Congress, spying on the legislative work that we do, spying on our staff and spying on American citizens.”
I once screwed up a Seafood Valenciana recipe and was terrified the paella police might give me five to seven years in solitary confinement with no saffron. Remember early in the Cold War, when Stalin’s KFC spies tried to disrupt the world order with blockades and 18-piece buckets?
Why does MTG hate English? Why does she confuse “gazpacho” and “Gestapo” and strut around believing German bacteriologist Julius Richard Petri invented a peach tree dish? Why does she keep running her yap about “stolen elections,” which given the evidence, suggests she knows neither the English meaning of “stolen” nor “elections”?
I’ll tell you why. Marjorie Taylor Greene, like the rest of the kook-a-palooza wing of her party, is defined by what she hates. Mastering spelling, syntax, grammar, knowledge — that is a labor of love. Hating on Bill Gates or AOC, that’s easy. Have you ever noticed MTG only praises the patently absurd but rails against the demonstrably verifiable? It’s bizarre. It’s all about partisan theatre, about being on a hostile team. If Biden announced a moon-shot cure for cancer, Marj would declare she is now pro-tumor in a Facebook Live that would involve chain smoking and asbestos giveaways.
America needs to purge itself of politicians who hate America.
It can start by getting rid of the ones who hate English.
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